Absolute Beginners

Chérie came to me a tough girl. Her fire matched my own, and I relished her spirit; some called her crabby, to me she was charismatic. I only half-heartedly discouraged her bossy, hostile takeovers of other pups at play. She was, after all, twelve pounds, and not one ounce more. She ran into rooms to announce her arrival, head higher and prouder than it should have rightfully been. She plowed into other dogs, stood on her mother's back (which drove her crazy) and bullied her brother, who was, ceaselessly and curiously, unfazed by her threats. It was one thing I adored about her most--her clumsy, forceful insistence in dominating her world, taking it over with grit, and no grace.

During our years together, I, too, attempted many a clumsy takeover, asserting my will over others, having even growled a time or two. We were both unskilled at listening, unaccustomed to settling for less than what we wanted.


Despite our mutual independence, we relied on each other; we both assumed the other cared, though we didn't have many outwardly tender moments. She knew I was the girl who waited on her, who encouraged her antics, and I always imagined she gave me the same consideration, and she mostly did, albeit on her own terms.


Later in life, Chérie grew calmer, more thoughtful. And it was strange to see her increasingly dependent, even lovable. It wasn't her choice, it was simply the passing of years that siphoned her strength. After many years, when she was 16, she finally began to show weakness--the first she'd ever shown. Though her spirit was strong, her body began to betray her and so it was, toward the end of her life, when she began to learn to rely on me. 


It was funny, too. I had, up until then, spent a large part of my own emotional life being just a bit too strong, and too in control. I had, in parallel with Chérie, only recently learned to trust and understand that in weakness, there is strength; leaps of faith could be taken. After 16 years, Chérie and I took that leap together. At long last she needed me, and wasn't too proud to show it, and I wasn't afraid to show her that I needed her. At last. 


Together, we were absolute beginners, learning to trust, and learning to love.